


the coldest nights

by thiefqueenftw



Series: the coldest nights [1]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Character Development, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Melodrama, Non-Linear Narrative, Professor Oak is an asshole and he doesn't get better rip, Red has Anger Issues, Red is Emotionally Constipated, Red is a huge asshole but he gets better i promise, Selectively Mute Red (Pokemon), Teenagers Acting Like Teenagers, because write what you know am i right ayyyyy, light homophobia, very vaguely implied past child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 04:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20222002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiefqueenftw/pseuds/thiefqueenftw
Summary: Red was not under the delusion that he was a good person.But Blue kept climbing up Mount Silver anyway.





	the coldest nights

**Author's Note:**

> Every ``` means it is switching to a flashback or back from a flashback. This thing is half flashbacks so keep that in mind RIP
> 
> If you follow me for OnS I'm SORRY I am still writing CC I just needed to get this off my brain first please forgive me
> 
> Everyone else, please enjoy my first ever Pokemon fic! It's part one of what I have planned to be a 3 part series following Red and Blue from when they first meet until they're in their 20s.  
Red has anger issues and is a huge ass but he gets better that's kind of the point lmao. I know it's not most people's characterization but I couldn't get this idea out of my head I'm sorry we will get soft boy Red eventually once this angry gremlin child learns to calm down

After almost three years, Red didn’t have to think about his daily routine anymore.

Get up. Eat. Exercise with his Pokemon. Train his Pokemon. Forage for food. Sleep.

He liked the simplicity of it--the way his muscles ached after a long day, the biting cold of Mount Silver keeping him focused, his Pokemon curling up with him to sleep in a way they never could in the cramped cities and forests down below.

It was the most relaxed he felt in his entire life.

So it took him a minute to realize that no, that’s not just a particularly loud and annoying breeze, or the cry one of his Pokemon, it’s a familiar voice, shouting, “What the  _ hell _ , Red?” as he and his Pokemon are doing their warm-up stretches.

Red considered ignoring him for a brief moment, but suddenly Blue’s right next to him, skin red from the cold and the exertion of the climb up here, shivering despite his coat, shouting, “What the hell?” right in his ear, as if the problem had just been that Red hadn’t heard him the first time.

Red sighed, turning to face his old rival. He cocked an eyebrow at him.

“I am _ not _ the one being ridiculous here!” Blue shouted, loud as always. “You--you  _ disappeared _ ! For-for two years! To do yoga on a mountain, apparently! Without telling anyone!”

Red rolled his eyes. Honestly, simple warm-up stretches and yoga were  _ not _ the same things.

Red started walking towards his cave, tuning out the annoying questions Blue continued to shout at him as Blue scrambled after him.

When he got there, ignoring Blue’s exclamation of “You  _ live _ here!?” he pulled his worn notebook and a pen out of his old backpack.

He hadn’t used them in years, hadn’t had a need to, but he needed to make something clear.

“‘Don’t tell anyone’.” Blue read aloud when Red was done writing. He snorted. “No one would even believe me anyway. Everyone thinks you’re out exploring Johto or Hoen or something and just got too caught up in it to tell anyone. You know, a normal, rational explanation.”

Red scowled at him.

“What, do you want me to lie and say, ‘it’s too late, Red, everyone’s already figured it out! It’s just  _ so obvious _ that you’ve been living in a cave in the most dangerous mountain in the world for two years!’.”

Red felt a headache coming on. Interacting with Blue had always been… frustrating, to say the least, but he especially hated how much he  _ talked _ .

Red pulled his notebook back to his chest, scribbling, ‘ _ How did you find me then?’ _ , pushing the pen down a little too forcefully, tearing the paper slightly. When he was ten, something like that would have embarrassed him, but at the wizened age of fourteen, he really didn’t give a shit.

Blue huffed slightly as he read it, wiggling slightly as he tried to shove himself further into his coat. Really, it wasn’t  _ that _ cold up here. 

“It’s not like I expected to find you up here, asshole. I just got bored and wanted to do something challenging, like climbing a super dangerous mountain  _ where no one should live _ .”

Red rolled his eyes again, tossing the notebook somewhere on the ground, satisfied that Blue wasn’t going to rat him out.

He went back outside, smiling when he saw that his Pokemon were still dutifully continuing their stretches.

He was about to join them when a hand grabbed his wrist, almost painfully tight. “Seriously? That’s all you’re going to say to me? It’s been two years!” Blue whined as if Red cared how long it had been since they had seen one another.

Red pulled away from him easily, knowing Blue was probably angling for a battle. Despite the fact that Blue was the only trainer in the world who had ever come close to beating him and was therefore actually fun to beat, he was annoying as hell.

He was well into exercising for real, convinced Blue had gotten bored and left, when the nuisance appeared by his side again.

“I get that you like your privacy, but you’ve been up here for two years! This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done, and that’s saying a lot.”

Red glared at him, hoping he would get the message and  _ go away _ .

Of course, he didn’t.

“I mean, the press only ever talks about how I was the shortest-lived champion ever, and that sucks. I mean, now I’m the region’s youngest gym leader  _ ever _ , and they don’t say shit about it! So, I get not wanting all the hassle, but you’re being an idiot. You’re gonna freeze to death up here.”

Only Blue could complain about something, brag about himself, and nag him in the same sentence.

Red tried his best to ignore him, instead focusing on the familiar pull of his muscles working and the sound of his Pokemon doing the same in the distance.

“Not to mention your mom is going crazy worrying about you.”

This actually did make Red pause. He often felt guilty for not saying anything to his mom about where he was, but he knew if he did, she would have just convinced him to come home.

And he had to do this.

So he shrugged and continued ignoring his old rival.

Blue made an angry noise that almost sounded like a Pokemon call. It almost made Red smile. Almost.

“Fine. Whatever. Be an idiot and freeze to death. See if I care” Blue grumbled, finally turning to storm off. 

Red was just about to sigh in relief when Blue shouted, “I’ll be back soon! Smell ya later!”

Red groaned.

```

Red couldn’t help but get his hopes up, just a little, when his mom told him a boy his age had just moved in nextdoor.

He was eight, and he already hated everyone he went to school with. They were loud, and mean, and thought he was stupid just because he had…  _ trouble _ talking.

So when his mother invited their new neighbors over to visit, he was ecstatic.

Would this new boy be nice? Would he like sneaking out to look at all the Pokemon in the tall grass with Red? Would he sit with him at school? Would he wait for Red to clumsily write down his words, instead of making fun of him?

He was so full of energy he answered the door himself when the bell rang, eyes only on the kid his height, completely ignoring the tall girl next to him who must’ve been his sister.

“H-h-h-h-hi” He bit out, trying desperately to make a good impression, despite how much his throat ached as he struggled to form the words. “I-I’m R-r-re-”

“Daisy, why can’t he talk right? Is he stupid?”

Red slammed the door in their faces.

Red’s mom let them both in anyway, forcing Red stay and eat with them, despite his desire to run and hide in his room forever.

He spent the meal glaring at the new boy--Blue--not caring that his sister made him apologize to Red.

The damage had been done

```

True to his word, Blue returned only two days later, now clutching a large bag in his hands in addition to the travel bag slung over his shoulder. 

“It’s supplies so you don’t die, dumbass.” Blue explained, shaking the bag at him.

Red scoffed. He was doing just fine on his own.

“Yes, you do need it.” Blue insisted, shoving the bag at him. “It’s medical supplies for you and your Pokemon, food, new clothes, and a warm blanket.”

That was… really thoughtful, actually.

Red took it, slightly dumbfounded.

When Blue said he was coming back, he expected him to come back and immediately challenge him to a battle, or tell him he needed to come home, or, well, honestly he kind of expected Blue not to show up again at all, nonetheless show up with a  _ care package _ .

Red couldn’t stop staring.

“What?” Blue snapped, though there wasn’t much bite to it, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “Are you  _ that _ surprised your best friend doesn’t want you to die?”

Red continued to stare at him.

Maybe he was dreaming, or maybe he had woken up in a parallel universe, because he and Blue were the furthest thing from friends, and the words sounded foreign and strange coming out of Blue’s mouth.

Blue fidgeted with the strap of his backpack, but continued to look Red in the eyes, never one to back down.

Red just… didn’t know what to do. It made him feel small, and weak for reasons he frustratingly couldn’t understand, and he had been spending the past two years trying to avoid that exact feeling.

He threw out his arm wildly, nearly dropping the heavy gift bag in the process. Pikachu immediately jumped on his shoulder, cheeks crackling with electricity. 

Blue laughed a little, pulling out one of his own Pokeballs. “You wanna battle now? Seriously? Okay, but I won’t lose this time, got it?”

Of course, he did. It was almost annoying--Blue had the skill and the team to beat him, and Red had no idea how he’d never managed it.

“Whatever,” Blue said with a dismissive wave. “You know the mountain better, so of course you won.”

Red rolled his eyes. He felt like he had rolled his eyes more in the last couple of days than he ever had in his entire life. That’s being forced to interact with the most difficult human being on the planet, for you.

“Are you gonna talk to me today, or did you just wanna use me for battle practice?”

Red gave him his best ‘why-the-hell-would-I-wanna-talk-to-you?’ glare.

Blue shoved his hands in his pockets and pouted at him, but turned and left with a kitschy “Smell ya!” before Red could get too annoyed. 

```

Of course, when Blue joined their school, the kids that bullied Red immediately flocked to him. And why wouldn’t they? Blue was just as much of a jerk, and twice as loud.

They were always gathered around Blue’s desk, laughing like Blue was the funniest guy in the world. 

In a way, it was nice, because it meant they left Red alone more, distracted by the shiny new person, but it also made Red angry for reasons he couldn’t understand.

Why was it so easy for Blue to talk to people? To make friends? To do…  _ anything _ ?

It wasn’t fair.

And the worst part was that he followed Red home from school every. Single. Day.

Of course, being neighbors, they  _ had _ to go the same way home, but every time Red would try and speed up or slow down and lose him, Blue would just match pace with him, chattering and chattering about things Red couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to.

His voice reminded Red of the Pidgeys who would squawk outside his window at five in the morning.

Even worse, he would follow Red all the way to his front door, Red’s mom would always invite him to stay for dinner, and he was always say yes, and then he would be chattering and chattering at Red’s mom about whatever stupid things he liked to talk about, and Red’s mom laughed at talked back like Blue was cute and charming and… and…

_ Normal _ .

Unlike her son, who couldn’t even figure out how to  _ talk right _ .

_ ‘I _ _ don’t _ _ want him coming over anymore _ ’ Red wrote one day after Blue had left, shoving the note at his mother with a scowl.

She frowned, moving the paper around in her hands, as if waiting for it to change and say something different.

Finally, she hugged him, kissed the top of his head, and told him, “Blue’s going through a lot right now, sweety.”

It wasn’t  _ fair _ .

Red had a hard time of things too, and he didn’t have anyone else’s mother cooking him dinner and cooing over him, or friends to talk to at school like Blue did.

_ ‘I  don’t _ _ like _ _ him _ ’ he tried.

His mother just sighed and shook her head at him, like he was talking about something he didn’t understand. It made him feel worse than any kid calling him an idiot ever could.

“Red, please just… try to be nice to him while he’s adjusting at least, okay, buddy?”

Red just went up to his room, slamming the door closed behind him.

```

Blue didn’t come back in the next couple of days. Or the next couple of weeks. Or...

Well, Red never really kept track of how many days passed up here, instead letting the regularity of his schedule drown out such concerns in a pleasant hum, but he knew it had been a while.

Not that he cared. In fact, it was good that Blue wasn’t coming around and annoying him anymore. He could concentrate on getting stronger, and the calm, quiet nights of the mountain, and squash down the grateful feeling that threatened to spill out of his chest as he ate through the surprisingly large amount of food Blue had managed to cram in his dumb care package--so much more satisfying than nuts and berries--and curled up under the insolated blanket that kept him from waking up in the middle of the night from cold.

He knew Blue had only brought him this stuff because he didn’t want Red to die before he bested him in battle. That’s just the kind of selfish person that Blue was, and Red knew that better than anyone.

And if he caught himself glancing at the entrance of the tunnel that led to the top of the mountain more often, no one was around to see it but his Pokemon.

```

When Red was nine, Professor Oak let him look at some of the weaker Pokemon he was studying in his lab.

Apparently, Red had a ‘natural affinity with Pokemon’. He didn’t really know what that meant, besides that he was allowed to sit there and play with a Rattata or an Eevee or even a Charmander or Squirtle after school while the Professor furiously took notes like it was fascinating.

And the best part was that Blue was not allowed in the lab while the Professor was working, like Red was.

For the first few days, Blue no longer walked home from school with him, instead hanging back, not saying a word.

For those few days, Red had never been happier.

But, of course, Blue eventually seemed to decide that Red being allowed to do something he wasn’t was the grown-ups’ fault and not Red’s, and he soon started babbling at Red about Pokemon, and how he couldn’t wait until he was allowed to play with Pokemon with Red, too.

Red had no idea why Blue wasn’t allowed--he did much better in school than Red did, afterall, and seemed just as interested in Pokemon--but he never cared enough to go through the effort of pulling out his notepad and asking the Professor or his mom

It was easy enough to ignore Blue’s barrage of questions about what he’d done each day, but it was more difficult to ignore the harsh sounding, furious whispering between his mom and the Professor the few times they interacted, and the way Blue’s name stood out against the otherwise too-quiet-to-hear murmuring.

Why, even when Red was in the middle of doing  _ his _ thing did his mom have to mention Blue?

It had felt perfectly rational--after one of these whisper sessions between his mom and the Professor when Blue loudly crowed at him the minute he’d stepped out of the lab--to punch Blue in the face.

```

Red was not under the delusion that he was a good person.

He was good with Pokemon, loved each and every one of them with all his heart, but the second humans got involved, he got… angry.

He hated that part of himself. He didn’t want to glare menacingly at every stranger he met to the point they were all convinced he wanted a fight. He didn’t want to get irrationally upset just because his mom  _ spoke _ to someone else. He didn’t want to see other trainers and automatically assume they were awful to their Pokemon when the vast majority of the time he knew, logically, that they were perfectly wonderful to them.

He hated the tight feeling he would get in his stomach, the way his hands shook, the way anything anyone did seemed like a personal affront to him.

Because here, alone on Mount Silver, it was so clear how irrational and idiotic that kind of thinking was. He would sit there, staring out into the snowy expanse beyond, and remember all the kind people he had met during his two year long Pokemon Journey--the gym leaders who would smile or laugh encouragingly upon being defeated, the kind old woman in Celadon city who insisted he stay and have tea with her, you look a little worn out, dear, the fellow trainers also making a Pokemon journey who would excitedly share tips and tricks for raising Pokemon…

It was during one of these introspective thought patterns that Blue finally returned, lugging an even bigger bag up the mountain than last time, perched on his Arcanine’s back, the trip clearly being too much to go through on foot with the additional weight of what he was carrying.

“Sorry,” was the first thing Blue said upon seeing him, face lifted in a familiar grin. “It’s the busy season at the gym, so I didn’t really get any time to bring you more stuff before now.”

Red just led the way to the cave he lived in, hands stuffed uncomfortably in his pockets.

He always felt guilty for being annoyed when he was in one of these moods, so he focused instead on the part of him that was happy to have more real food again. And maybe he was a little happy to see Blue again too. Maybe.

Blue slid off of Arcinine’s back as soon as they got inside, heaving the heavy bag he’d brought onto the floor as Arcanine bounded over to play with Red’s Pokemon outside, still as full of energy as when he was a Growlith.

“How’ve you been?” Blue asked, immediately sitting on the cave floor, looking exhausted despite having had help with the climb this time around.

Red suddenly realized that it was probably exhausting for him to climb up last time he brought supplies as well, but he still battled Red and then left like Red wanting him too anyway.

Red really hated being trapped in one of these guilt spirals. Everything just made him feel like a jerk.

He yanked open the zipper of his new care package, ignoring the way seeing the stack of nonfiction books next to the more practical supplies made his chest feel funny, pulling out one of the water bottles inside and trusting it at Blue awkwardly.

Red tried not to look at Blue too closely, but he couldn’t miss the soft smile that followed the surprised look telegraphed clearly on his face.

It made Red feel hot and uncomfortable, and he nearly dropped the water bottle before it was fully in Blue’s hand.

He stomped toward the back of the small cave, crossing his arms and scowling at himself.

He felt like he was nine years old again, the way he often did when Blue came to visit, it seemed.

“So,” Blue said briskly, cutting the tension with words the way Red was never able to. “There hasn’t been a single gym challenger that’s beaten me, yet. It’s actually really boring. It’s mostly just little kids who don’t know a Clefairy from a Dragonite, and I’ve got Lance breathing down my neck because apparently I’m single handedly stopping anyone from being able to challenge the Elite Four, but come on, it’s the gym  _ challenge _ , not the gym charity ball. If these kids can’t beat me that’s their problem, you know?”

Red found himself nodding in agreement. He would be devastated to find out one of the leaders or Elite Four members had gone easy on him just because they didn’t want the bad PR of being an ‘unbeatable league’ like Sinnoh.

“And it’s way more ‘working with kids’ than I thought,” Blue continued, unperturbed by his silence. “I have to go to the local pre-school and explain the basics of raising Pokemon to them, and reassure parents that their kids will be fine on their Pokemon journeys, if they choose to go on one, and take care of wild Pokemon if they start to bother the town, and bla bla bla. It’s so  _ boring _ .”

Blue flopped down on his back dramatically at that, wincing when his back made contact with the hard ground, but not moving to get up.

Red tentatively sat next to him, a few feet away. Maybe it was because he was still feeling guilty, but he was surprised to find he wasn’t as annoyed by the chatter as usual, and was actually somewhat interested in what Blue was saying. He had never really given much thought to the day to day activities of a gym leader, afterall.

He even found himself reaching for his notebook as Blue stared grumpily at the cave ceiling, scratching out,  _ ‘If it’s boring, just quit _ ’ before he had time to think it through too much.

Blue turned his head towards him to read the message, squinting in the weak light.

After he was done, Blue snorted and laid his head back down. “Yeah, and do what, move up here with you?”

Red shook his head furiously at the thought, and Blue laughed. It wasn’t an unpleasant sound.

```

Blue stopped coming over for dinner after the face punching incident.

Blue didn’t stop going home from school with him, or talking at him, or even following him to his house like a lost Pokémon.

But now Daisy had forbade him from spending time with Red, and Red’s mom respected her wishes as his older sister and primary care taker enough to turn Blue away when he showed up at their house, a sad look in her eyes.

He knew it was mean to punch Blue in the face. It wasn’t Blue’s fault he was annoying or that Red’s mom liked him, and a pit formed in Red’s stomach whenever he remembered the  _ look _ on Blue’s face after he did it—eyes unfocused, breath coming out shaky and  _ wrong _ . It had made Red worried that he had punched him hard enough to seriously hurt him, and he had immediately run back inside to get his mom.

But Blue forgave him the moment he saw him the next day at school, and Blue’s own grandpa didn’t seem to mind, either. Blue’s sister, Daisy, on the other hand, glared at him and pulled Blue close to her side whenever Red came near, as though Red was going to attack him at any moment.

His mom shot him more worried looks than ever, as if she was concerned about the same thing.

She made him promise to tell her if he was ever angry about something again, and banned him from playing with Pokémon for a whole month.

The Professor tried to stand up for him, arguing that this kind of behavior was to be expected of boys his age, but his mom put her foot down.

Red didn’t mind as much as he thought he would. The way Blue had looked  _ afraid of him _ in that brief moment haunted him in a way nothing in his nine years of life had before, so his punishment felt fair.

It made it even harder to deal with Blue, who acted like nothing happened.

It would have been much easier if Blue had punched him back, or refused to speak to him. It would have been easier if his mom didn’t continue to praise Blue for his high grades, or ruffle his hair affectionately when she saw him.

It would have been easier if Red was  _ normal _ .

```

He fell into a new routine.

Get up. Eat. Exercise with his Pokemon. Train his Pokemon. Eat. Sleep.

And once a week sit in his cave with Blue for an hour, actually trying to listen to him talk for the first time in their lives.

It kind of amazed him, how non-boring Blue was when Red actually bothered to listen to him.

He always spoke with his hands waving around in front of him, illustrating whatever point he was making or story he was telling. He somehow managed to make his stories all seem big and dramatic, even when they really weren’t, and easily switched to a new topic when Red’s interest started waning.

And he did actually wait the few times Red wrote something in his notebook to show him, much to Red’s surprise.

Even more surprising was when Blue showed up one day with cake, reminding Red teasingly that it was his fifteenth birthday (”Don’t tell me you forgot about your own birthday, mister Kanto Champion”), which made Red realize they had never done anything for Blue’s fifteenth birthday three weeks prior. Blue hadn’t even mentioned his own birthday, which Red had assumed he would, given the kind of person he was.

The kind of person Red had thought he was, anyway.

“What’s wrong?” Blue asked through a mouthful of chocolate cake.

Red sighed, mostly to himself.

He was getting frustrated again. He had the urge to punch the wall, or kick something.

He restrained himself though, reminding himself that he was fifteen now, and not a child anymore.

“I didn’t think my cake was that awful,” Blue teased, nudging Red a little with his foot.

He didn’t know why, but Red felt his shoulders relax.

_ ‘You made this? _ ’ he wrote, surprise clear on his face. He looked back at the cake, realizing it was sitting in a not-store-brand box.

“Of course I did,” Blue smirked. “My cake is way better than that crap they sell in stores.”

Red actually let himself taste the cake instead of shoveling it in his mouth on autopilot as he had been doing before. It really was amazing, second to only his mother’s baking.

Blue laughed at whatever look was on his face. “Don’t look so surprised! I’m awesome at everything.”

Red rolled his eyes at that, only to smile when Blue laughed again. It really was nice, hearing Blue laugh so much recently.

“I make all the food I bring you” Blue continued, puffing out his chest proudly.

The image of Blue preparing the food he had been eating, packaging it in little bento boxes just for Red, did funny things to Red’s chest. He was sure he was blushing, for some reason.

‘ _ Why _ ?’ Red wrote instead of analyzing his own strange reaction.

“Because you deserve a home cooked meal once in a while, just like everyone else” Blue said like it was obvious. He was blushing too, Red realized. He had no idea what that meant. He especially didn’t know what it meant that a deep, visceral part of him was very happy about Blue blushing.

He decided he would figure it out later.

“S-so,” Blue stuttered, running a hand through his hair awkwardly. “I had this challanger the other day…”

Red realized how much he stared at Blue’s hands when he told stories. Was that normal? It felt normal. Blue had… nice hands.

Red, for once in his life, was glad he couldn’t speak right, because he knew if he could he would’ve said something weird about it.

Another person made their way up the mountain a short while later, a girl with badly dyed blue hair and a Johto accent.

She told him she had beaten Blue, and that Blue had told her to come up here to challenge ‘the only trainer stronger than him in all of Kanto’ next.

It was the hardest fight he’d had in a long while, and when he lost, he had the strangest urge to follow the Johto girl back down the mountain and run to Blue’s house to tell him all the details.

He shook off the urge easy enough, but why he had felt it in the first place baffled him to the point where, when Blue came up for his weekly visit, grinning and asking about Kris, he’d only shrugged.

Blue didn’t seem to mind, launching into a dramatic retelling of his own narrow defeat against Kris. He looked so happy, even when he was talking about losing. It made Red’s heart beat unevenly. 

He would think about that later.

```

“Hey,” a hand gripped Red’s shoulder tightly, yanking until Red was forced to turn around. “What’d you do to make them give an idiot like you his trainer license, huh?”

It was one of his usual bullies. He had left Red alone for a while after Blue moved in, but it seemed Red passing his trainer exam at age ten when he himself had yet to pass it at thirteen had pissed him off.

Red glared up at him, and got shoved hard enough to fall to the ground for his efforts.

“You know you only passed because they felt bad for you,” he hissed, pushing Red down again when he tried to stand up. “Poor Red, he’s so stupid he can’t even talk--” he emphasized his point with a painful punch to Red’s shoulder. “We’d better make him a trainer before he embaresses us more--” another punch, this time on Red’s cheek. Red tried to hit back, but he was three years younger, and so much smaller. It didn’t seem to matter what he did.

He felt tears slip down his face, more out of embarrassment of how weak he was than anything else. He flinched as cruel laughter washed over him. “Aw, the little baby’s  _ crying _ . Some trainer you’re gonna be, crybaby.”

“Stop it!” another voice shouted, and suddenly Blue, of all people, was standing between Red and the bully. “Leave him alone!”

Red had no idea why Blue was there. He couldn’t possibly be  _ helping _ Red--that would be completely out of character. He must have had some other motivation for getting in the way--maybe something to do with the fact that he too, had passed his trainer licensing exam, the only other kid in Pallet town to do so.

Whatever Blue was doing and whyever he was doing it, Red used the distracted to slip away and run back home as fast as he possibly could.

When Red showed up for school the next day he pretended he didn’t notice the cut on Blue’s lip or the bruising around his right eye.

```

‘ _ Stop eating my food, you meanie :( _ ’ Red passed the note to Blue, who put down his chopsticks to read it, before bursting out laughing. Red grinned.

“Technically, you’re the one eating  _ my _ food.” Blue teased, passing the paper back to Red easily, like he wasn’t even thinking about how weird it was that Red communicated this way.

‘ _ No take backs _ ’ Red wrote swiftly, smiling widening when Blue laughed again, the bright sound echoing pleasantly around the walls of the cave.

“You’re in a good mood today,” Blue noted, continuing to eat the curry he had brought for them to share.

Red supposed he was. He and Blue had been spending a lot of time together lately, and each time he visited felt like the highlight of Red’s week, to the point where the rest of his normal routine felt useless and boring.

He felt foolish for spending so much of his life thinking Blue was annoying. Maybe if he had actually paid attention to the things Blue said to him when they were younger he would’ve realized that sooner.

“Did I do something amazing or something?” Blue asked, pointing his chopsticks at Red. “You keep smiling at me.”

Red shook his head. For some reason, Blue blushed when he did, and Red felt oddly floaty at the sight.

Blue looked down at his lap like he was contemplating something, turning his chopsticks over and over between his fingers. After a moment, he said, “This is gonna sound stupid, but I always had this… feeling, I guess, in the back of my head that you secretly hated me. I always got this weird feeling that you weren’t really listening to me, or didn’t really care when I told you things but recently I…” He looked up at Red, mouth crooking up in that small, soft smile that always made Red’s chest feel tight. “I don’t feel like that anymore. So, thank you for putting up with me feeling insecure for years, I guess.” He laughed a little, scratching the back of his head.

Red tried very hard not to feel like a piece of shit.

He did not succeed.

‘ _ You’re amazing, Blue _ ’ he wrote, because he didn’t know what else to say. ‘ _ I’m sorry if I didn’t realize that sooner. _ ’

Blue’s face turned a deeper pink than Red had ever seen. It looked… good on him.

“You’re amazing too, Red.”

Red didn’t believe him, but it was a nice enough sentiment.

```

Red felt oddly… lonely when he set off on his Pokemon journey.

Every trainer just wanted to battle him, and thought it was a challenge when he glared at them to leave him alone.

His Pikachu had an attitude, and refused to listen to him half the time.

Everything felt too quiet, and big.

When he saw Blue again, he ignored the way it felt like a relief.

```

Red was finding it very difficult to read his book.

Not because it wasn’t an interesting book--the creation and eventual mass production of synthetic meat had always fascinated him--but because Blue was also reading a book. Right next to him. And their thighs and sides were touching.

That was it.

Red wanted to shove him away so he could focus on something besides the fact that they were sitting so close together (very aware of every point they were touching, even through the thick layers they both wore), but that would mean losing the points of contact between them, which Red, for some reason, absolutely did not want to happen.

So he sat there, silently fuming at himself every time Blue turned a page in his book.

Because the other problem was that he wanted Blue to be as distracted from reading as Red was, which was stupid, because why should he care if Blue read or not?

Blue licked his lips as his eyes darted over the page, and Red stared, a strange warmth forming in his gut. He wanted Blue to lick his lips again, which didn’t make any sense, but he did anyway.

“Why are you just staring at me?” Blue’s voice was completely calm. He didn’t even look up from his book. Like he wasn’t bothered at all by anything that was happening. Like a normal person.

Red bared his teeth at nothing, ignoring the disapproving look Pikachu gave him from her position by their feet.

“Are you alright?” Blue asked, turning his face towards Red at the same time Red turned to face him, putting their faces extremely close together. 

Red became hyper aware of how close their lips were to each other, and how Blue was blushing such a pretty shade of pink, and how Blue had so many different little flecks of green and brown and gold in his eyes, and wow, his lips looked really, really soft, and--

Red stood up abruptly, heart pounding wildly. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he being so weird?

He strode over to the other side of the cave purposefully, refusing to acknowledge anything that had just happened. He sat down on the floor quickly, shoving his face in his book and forcing himself to read it.

_ “The Pokemon activist group--” _

Why did Blue have to be so annoying all the time? With his stupid hazel eyes and his stupid spiky hair and his stupid lips--

_ “--this made the process extremely difficult. However, many felt it was a necessary--” _

“Did I do something wrong?” a too quiet voice asked, voice echoing across the otherwise silent cave.

Red really wanted to punch something.

He shook his head so forcefully he saw stars for a second.

“Okay,” Blue sounded very unconvinced, and Red hated his stupid, stupid brain for ruining everything with it’s weird, stupid reactions, like it always did.

Red didn’t look up from his book, even when Blue said a very awkward “Smell ya later, Red”. Even when it became too dark for him to even read anymore.

```

Red hated that Blue always seemed to be waiting for him everywhere he went.

He didn’t understand how he had ever found his presence welcomed.

Cruise ships, a graveyard, random routes, in the middle of a Team Rocket hostage situation, for Arceus’s sake. He was always there, always grinning, always ready to challenge Red to a battle.

And Blue would lose, and Red would think that was the end of it, until he showed up again, stronger and smarter and more cocky than ever.

It was, by far, the most annoying part of his Pokemon journey…

Well, maybe not the  _ most _ annoying part.

```

“I’m gay.”

Red didn’t look up from where he was playing with Blue’s Eevee. He couldn’t--he felt frozen in place, as though he had been accidently paralyzed by his Pikachu again.

“Gramps says I’m too young to know for sure,” Blue continued, contempt clear in his voice. Red winced. His skin felt too hot and too tight. He just kept staring at Eevee, who looked up at him with a judgemental flick of her bushy tail.

“But how could I  _ not  _ know, you know? I mean, I’ve only even had crushes on guys, even when I was a little kid!”

For some reason, Red balled his hands into fists at this. A hot flame burned in his gut. He didn’t know what was happening to him. He never did, anymore.

He could hear Blue’s boots crunching against the snow, and for a terrifying moment he thought Blue was heading towards him, before he recognized the fast, sharp crunches of someone pacing.

“And Daisy just hugged me, which I guess was nice, but she didn’t  _ say _ anything,” Blue’s voice was getting louder the longer he talked. Red was grateful for the way it carried over his rapidly increasing heartbeat. “She normally won’t shut up about how much she supports me, so why didn’t she  _ say _ anything?”

Red wanted to look up at him so badly, but he  _ couldn’t _ . Blood was rushing through his ears so quickly he was getting lightheaded. Staring at Eevee was the only thing keeping him grounded.

“And I can’t tell your mom, I just… she’s not even  _ my _ mom, so why would she even care?  _ My _ mom would probably…”

Blue’s breathing sounded  _ wrong _ again. This time around, Red knew the word for it was hyperventilating. The vocabulary didn’t help him feel less useless, especially with Eevee tugging at his pant leg, frantically asking him to do something with her eyes.

But he just kept staring at her.

“And I thought at least  _ you _ wouldn’t care,” Blue said, suddenly right in front of him. “But you can’t even  _ look _ at me.”

Red tried to pretend he couldn’t hear how thick Blue’s voice had gotten, or the way he was sniffling.

Eevee was looking back and forth between the two of them now, clearly trying to decide if she should comfort Blue herself or if continuing to ask Red for help was worthwhile. All of their other Pokemon seemed to be giving this conversation a wide berth, even Pikachu. Red didn’t blame them.

Red wished, more desperately than he ever had before, that he could speak like a normal person. Say something profound that would make Blue understand that Red had no idea why this conversation was upsetting him so much. Say something about how he, stupidly, just now realized that Blue was his friend, and that he couldn’t bare the thought of screwing things up so badly, but he didn’t know how to stop. Say something about how Blue’s family were a bunch of assholes. Say something about how Blue should tell Red’s mom because she would be much better at saying something than he was.

But all that came out of his throat was an odd creaking noise, not dissimilar to the sound a mischievous Haunter made when trying to scare children.

Blue stormed away, Eevee padding behind him loyally.

Red wanted to cry, or scream, or stamp his foot like a kid, or chase after Blue, but all he could do was stare blankly at the ground where Eevee had been.

Blue’s shoes appeared in his field of vision suddenly, followed by shaking hands thrusting his notebook and pen towards his chest.

Red took them, unsurprised to find his own hands shaking.

He tried to write down how he was feeling, but it ended up a sloppy mess of incoherent words and characters. He crossed it all out.

He wrote, ‘ _ I  _ _ do _ _ accept you _ ’, but the sentiment felt small and stupid compared to Blue’s frantic rant still ringing through his ears. He ended up crossing that out too.

He could feel Blue staring at him, could imagine the impatient frown on his face as he waited for Red’s response.

Finally, Red settled on a very shakily written, ‘ _ I’m fine with you being gay, I swear. But I also feel really weird about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me _ .’

Blue made a sound that Red couldn’t describe, something between a sigh and a growl.

“Well, my expectations for how this would all do down were clearly too high,” Blue muttered, mostly to himself.

Red felt a now familiar pang of guilt and shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly. He still couldn’t look at Blue’s face.

After a moment of silence, Blue left.

Red punched the walls of his cave until his knuckles bled. His Pokemon continued to avoid him.

And no matter how long he waited, Blue didn’t come back.

```

Red didn’t understand why the league needed to throw him such a massive party, just for becoming Champion.

Apparently, it was a rare enough occurrence that they really went all out when it happened. They were in a massive ballroom in Saffron city, filled to the brim with fancy foods Red didn’t like, gym leaders and Elite Four members Red didn’t know how to interact with outside of the context of battling them, and TVs with footage of his entire Elite Four run playing on loop in seemingly every corner.

Red wanted to be the Champion because he liked battling. That was it.

He didn’t want all these ‘Champion duties’ Lance kept hinting at whenever he wondered anywhere near him, or the ‘media blitz’ that everyone warned him was about to follow (“Everyone is going to want an interview with the world’s youngest Champion who took down Team Rocket almost single handedly!” Misty told him cheerfully, as if it were good news). 

He just wanted to keep traveling and training his Pokemon. He wanted to be alone, where he didn’t have to deal with the wide-eyed looks of the leaders and Four as they realized that no, the not talking thing wasn’t just a gimmick, or because he was too eager and/or nervous about battling them to say anything, it was how he was  _ all the time _ .

He somehow managed to sneak out onto the balcony, where it was at the very least quieter, even if Saffron city was still too loud in general, even at night.

Of course, Blue was there, sitting cross-legged on the ground, staring down at the city silently.

Red stood as far away from him as possible, hoping Blue was too in his own head to notice him.

It seemed to work, and for a minute, Red existed in blissful almost-silence, just breathing and hopelessly wondering what he was going to do to get himself out of the mess that was being Champion.

“I just wanted Gramps to be proud of me,” Blue said out of nowhere.

Red continued to look down at the city, hoping Blue would get the message and stop talking to him. Red had his own problems to brood over, he didn’t need Blue’s on top of it. It wasn’t like they were friends or anything.

“He just assumed I didn’t treat my Pokemon right, but I did! They’re my best friends, I…” There was a loud sniffing noise and Red became uncomfortably aware of the fact that Blue was crying.

Red considered turning back around and rejoining the godawful party, just to escape this conversation, but at least Blue was mostly talking to himself and not to Red directly.

The quiet but unmistakable noises of sobbing felt like they were digging under his skin. He kicked the safety railing hard enough for it to creak back at him, but it only made the sobbing get  _ louder _ , which made Red’s skin burn even more.

So he walked away. And kept walking. And walking.

He didn’t know where he was going, but he couldn’t be there anymore.

Suddenly, it seemed, he was at his mom’s house, and the sun had started to rise up over the shoreline.

His mom hugged him as soon as he opened the door, and he realized he was crying, too.

```

He knocked on the door slowly, eyes darting around at the nearby houses, making sure no one was watching.

His heart had been racing ever since he had landed outside Mount Silver. Even though it was the middle of the night, he couldn’t escape the feeling that everyone was staring at him.

He knocked again, more instantly this time.

The door only opened a crack at first, then was thrown open the second his mom recognized him.

“Oh my-- _ Red _ ” She wrapped her arms around him tightly, nearly knocking the wind out of him. “Are you okay? Where have you been? Oh, you’re so skinny, have you been eating enough? Are you--” She seemed to realize she was talking too fast and laughed a little, pulling back enough to look at him. “Oh, look how much you’ve grown! You’re taller than me now!” She laughed again, but it sounded too close to crying for Red’s comfort.

He tried to swing his backpack around his shoulder to grab his notebook without dislodging his mother, but she stepped back anyway, saying, “Come in, come in, you can tell me all about it over some tea.”

She laughed again, slightly hysterically, and Red’s intestines squirmed. 

He sat down at the familiar table, breathing in the familiar scent he didn’t realize he had been missing. There was a green couch in place of the lumpy brown one Red remembered, and there was a picture of himself and his team he recognized uncomfortably as the one taken in the Hall of Fame just after he’d become Champion on the wall next to all the pictures of him when he was younger. He looked so serious.

As his mom set down his tea in front of him and he noticed the gray hairs striped into the black, he felt like a massive idiot for ever thinking she loved someone more than she loved him.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” She began as she settled next to him with her own teacup. “I’m just so glad you’re finally home.”

Red’s chest ached. He took a sip of the still-too-hot tea to distract himself from the feeling.

He had already written down a lot of the things he wanted to say to his mom, such as, ‘ _ I’m so sorry _ ’, ‘ _ I’ve been on Mount Silver--it’s not as dangerous as everyone says _ ’, and ‘ _ I think Blue hates me and I think I deserve it’. _

He had been planning to apologize first, maybe reassure her of his well being for a while before he got into it, ask her how she had been doing, like a good son, but he found himself shoving the last message at her first, taking another burning sip of tea afterwards.

“Oh, honey,” She said softly, looking at him with so much love it made him shift in his chair. “Is that what you’ve been worrying about, all these years?”

He pulled the notebook back, scribbling in nearly incoherent headwritting only his mother could read, ‘ _ It’s not, but it should have been. I’ve been terrible to him and to everyone else. I never did any of my Champion duties, or let you know I was okay, all I do is glare at people and punch things and I thought if I was alone it would be okay but it’s not because I’m not good, I’m’ _

His hands were trembling too badly to write anymore. He realized, somewhat distantly, that he had started crying at some point.

He tried not to let it frustrate him, but it did, and he hated it.

After his mom was done reading, she took his hand that was still clutching his pen and squeezed. “Red, look at me.” He did. Her face was serious, deep grooves in her forehead and tight lips. “We can’t change the things we’ve done in the past. We can only go forward. If you feel like you’ve made mistakes, or hurt people, sitting by yourself brooding about it isn’t going to do anything. You need to fix what you’ve done, where you can, and learn not to do it again.”

This made him cry harder. He shook his head.

“Yes you can,” She said easily. “If you’re worried about me, I was never mad at you for leaving--they put way too much pressure on you with all that Champion nonsense so young. I would have run away, too, if I was twelve and suddenly had all that responsibility. And if you’re worried about Blue, start with writing down everything you feel you’ve done wrong to him and ask what you can do to make it right.”

Red’s ears were ringing. He had wanted her to be mad, to scream at him and tell him that he was right, that he was an awful person with no redeeming qualities. He didn’t want… a plan. Because unlike wallowing in self-pity, plans could very easily fail, and then what would he do? Be alone on Mount SIlver with even his Pokemon disappointed in him forever?

His mom squeezed his hand again, face turning gentler. “I know it’s hard. But as you get older, you realize that it’s something you need to do. Forgiveness is something that needs to be earned, no matter how big or small whatever you did was.”

He stared down at his tea, the warmth of it in his hands grounding him.

“Why don’t you stay the night and think it over,” His mom said gently, way more gently than he deserved. “I’m sure it’ll all seem clearer in the morning.”

Red allowed her to shuffle him into his old room, accepted the kiss on the cheek she gave him without fuss, and sat on his bed. He had forgotten how many posters he had on his walls--previous Champions, different Pokemon, even one of Lance that Red remembered had been particularly rare for whatever reason.

Even though it was the same room he had left three years ago, it looked like it belonged to an entirely different person. An enthusiastic kid, excited to go on a Pokemon journey and become Champion. It felt like a joke.

He stood, marching his way past a book that was still open on his floor, and made his way back downstairs.

He was still for a moment, in the darkness of the house that didn’t feel like his anymore.

He wanted to send out Pikachu, but she had been just putting herself back in her ball every time he tried ever sense Blue left. He wondered how she would react to seeing the old house--if it would feel just as foreign to her as it did to him.

He collapsed onto the new green couch, the hike down Mount Silver and emotional rollercoaster of seeing his mom finally catching up to him.

He fell asleep quickly and he didn’t dream.

He awoke to the sound of his name being said frantically.

He sat up, confused for a moment about why he was laying on some random couch, before remembering what had happened last night.

He stood up just as his mom rushed down the stairs, eyes wide and panicked.

He wondered if this was how she reacted when he had disappeared three years ago.

She pulled him into her arms the second she saw him.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she pulled back, and Red wanted to tell her she didn’t have to be, it was his fault for leaving and worrying her in the first place, but his notebook was still on the kitchen table, so he hoped smiling at her would convey the same message.

She patted his cheek affectionately, smiling back at him, so he thought he did okay.

It was surreal, watching his mom make breakfast. It was something he had taken for granted when he was younger, and it hit him that Blue didn’t have a mom to make him breakfast. Or cook him dinner. Or compliment him on his grades. Or come home to to ask for advice.

He felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

He nearly ran over to Blue’s house when he was done with breakfast, remembering to write down to his mom that that was where he was going and feeling stupidly proud of himself when she smiled at him.

He knocked on the door, notebook in hand, ready to apologize for basically everything he had ever done.

So of course it was Daisy that answered the door.

He could tell it took her a minute to recognize him, polite confusion morphing into annoyance he understood too well the second she did.

“What are you doing here, Red?” she practically snarled at him.

He was a bit taken aback. He knew Daisy didn’t like him much when he was younger, but he had assumed it had been enough time for her to get over it. Maybe he had more people to apologize to than he thought.

Determined to follow his mom’s advice and not run away from his past, he quickly wrote, ‘ _ I’m sorry for being an asshole _ ’. He thought it covered all his bases.

Daisy, however, just looked more annoyed. “I appreciate that you’re trying,” she said through gritted teeth. “And I know you’re still a kid, so I’m trying not to be too harsh,” she said each word slowly, like it was physically painful for her to acknowledge. “But if you’re here to get my blessing or whatever, it’s not happening. Blue cares so much for you, and all you’ve ever done is bully him, or leave. I don’t want you anywhere near him.”

Red stared down at his notebook, trying to think of something, anything to say, but he couldn’t.

Because she was right. He didn’t have a right to be Blue’s friend now, after years of ignoring him, and no matter how sincerely he apologized, it wouldn’t change that.

```

Red had meant to go to the Johto region.

Scaling over Mount Silver just seemed like the far more interesting way to get there, filled to the brim with Pokemon he had never seen and challenging terrain for his Pokemon to navigate.

He wanted a fresh start--wanted to be someone who didn’t make people cry all the time, someone who didn’t get annoyed constantly, someone who wasn’t the Champion of the Kanto region.

And cutting all the annoying people and league members out of his life seemed the best way to do that.

But when he reached the summit, and looked out over the pure white fields, he realized something.

Johto still had people, most of them probably annoying, and it’s own league who would know doubt know all about him.

But here, at the very top of the world’s most dangerous mountain, there was no one. Just him and his Pokemon, like he’d always wanted.

Pikachu made a low, concerned noise. Red realized he had been standing there staring at the top of the mountain for a long time.

He decided then and there that he would stay here for a week. Just a week to allow himself to enjoy the silence and snow.

Just a week, and then he would head to Johto.

```

“Goodness, you got back from Viridian fast.” his mom said when Red came back, slamming the door behind him with more force than necessary.

Red gave her an odd look.

“You do know Blue lives in Viridian now, right dear? I had thought I’d mentioned it.”

She had not, but it made sense. He was certain Blue had mentioned it at some point during the (too brief) period of time where they got along.

He ran a hand down his face, still standing in the entryway.

“Ah, I’m guessing you ran into Daisy, then.” His mom’s tone was resigned in a way Red had never heard before. His shock must have shown on his face, because she sighed and continued, “She’s very… overprotective of her brother. Understandably, of course, considering. But sweety, no matter what she said, I think you still need to say something to Blue.”

Red didn’t know what to do with this information. On the one hand, Daisy was absolutely right, and Red should stay away from Blue, but on the other hand, his mom had said that nothing would ever change if he didn’t make it change, and he was inclined to believe her.

He nodded, once, determined, before stepping back outside.

Viridian wasn’t far, even on foot, especially when he knew how to avoid all the Pokemon hiding in the grass.

Blue would be at the gym, of course, it being the middle of the day. He really should have thought of that sooner.

Red walked straight to the gym, ignoring the cheerful gym assistant trying to shout something at him as he stormed passed.

He walked right up in front of Blue, who was standing at his post, wide-eyed and seemingly at a loss for words.

He thrusted his notebook at Blue, shifting from foot to foot as Blue continued to stare at him.

Red made a gesture which he hoped conveyed, ‘read the damn thing already’.

Blue shifted his attention down to the piece of paper.

Red went over the words again and again in his head: ‘ _ I’m sorry I’ve been so mean to you, when we were kids and now. I’m sorry I always used to ignore you, and never tried to talk to you--I was weirdly jealous of how much my mom liked you and how many friends you had. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what a great friend you are until you literally climbed a mountain for me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was going to Mount Silver--though, in my defense I never meant to stay so long. I’m sorry I punched you in the face--I don’t really have an excuse, I was just being an idiot. I’m sorry I never apologized for it. I’m sorry I reacted badly when you came out--I think I had never thought about sexuality before and it scared me. I’m sorry my apology has to be so long. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole.’ _

Blue’s eyes swept over the page multiple times, looking more annoyed each time he read it. Red felt his jaw tense the longer he watched Blue’s narrowed eyes scan the page.

“Is this a joke?” Blue asked, slamming the notebook back against Red’s chest. He sounded angry.

If Red could speak like a normal person, he’d say, ‘What, was my apology not  _ good _ enough for you?’, but all he could do was glare and ball his hand not clenching his notebook into a fist.

Blue glared right back at him.

“You seriously came all the way down that damn mountain just to say this shit? Real mature, Red.”

Red was shaking so badly he almost dropped his notebook. He definitely wouldn’t be able to write anything, even if he could think of something to say.

“You know, I was thinking about coming to visit you and apologize for overreacting.” Blue’s fists were shaking at his sides. Red wished he would punch him so he had an excuse to punch back. “But clearly, I  _ wasn’t _ overreacting, you’re just a bigger prick than I thought.”

Someone grabbed his arms, pulling him away from Blue, saying, “Okay, you need to leave, right now.”

Red tried to scream, but his voice was so underused that all that came out was a rush of air.

The gym assistant tossed him roughly out the door.

He laid there for a moment, still trembling, trying to ignore the aches that were running up and down his body.

He sat up, furiously ripping the page it was open to out--

He blinked. There was his apology, on the page  _ underneath _ the one the book had been open on.

He unwrinkled the paper in his hand, heart thumping wildly in his chest. It was a simple message, one he had written to his mom earlier this morning.

_ ‘I’m so glad I have a mom’. _

All of his anger was quickly replaced by a numb feeling in all his limbs.

He stood back up, knocking on the gym door as hard as he could.

“If you try and come back in here, I’m calling the police!” a low voice shouted from the other side of the door.

Red fell against the door, his limbs refusing to support him.

His one chance and his  _ fucking inability to speak  _ ruined things so bad, Blue would never give him the time to explain himself.

He sent out his Charizard, clambering onto his back before Charizard even had a chance to stretch out his wings the way he liked to.

He pointed at Mount Silver.

Charizard let out a low growl.

He pointed at Mount Silver.

Charizard started flying.


End file.
